The Worst Love Letter Written
by mcplestreet
Summary: 'I loved her long before I ever knew her name. Or what she looked like. Normally these things would have been a requirement, but she understood me so well.' After five months of anonymously written love letters, delivered by countless sources, Sirius Black is fed up with loving a faceless girl. A badly named Sirius/OC oneshot


**I apologize in advanced for any spelling or grammar errors, I'll most likely be proofreading this tomorrow, as well as adding a proper introduction. Until then enjoy the first story I've uploaded since January!**

I loved her long before I ever knew her name. Or what she looked like. Normally these things would have been a requirement, but she understood me so well. Much more than all the girls I knew. Even more than some of my close friends. At first her letters arrived hand delivered by students, each less like the last. A first year Slytherin, then a seventh year Hufflepuff. None of them seemed to get the letters from her directly either. She had her own secret society of messengers, or so it seemed. Eventually her letters started arriving by owls or cats after she saw me follow one of her messengers to try and find her. Not only did she see me, but she said I saw her. I just didn't know it.

Her first letter was very strange. It was a bit of a ramble, actually, and her writing was sloppy. She said she knew how much of a mask I was putting on since the start of the school year. That she had heard through the "magical grapevine" that I'd run away over the summer. Which I not-so-coincidently did. She called me out, which became sort of a game of hers which she could have played professionally, on my happy front. Apparently she saw right through me, something in my face that no one else seemed to notice. She must have been able to read me like a book because all of her guesses were right. I did run away. I wasn't as happy as I had been before. I was overcompensating all these family-related problems with pranks and girls. And it wasn't working. Her letter was digging deeper and deeper into my issues, her handwriting getting progressively worse as if she was writing frantically. The last paragraph was much neater, suggesting she had taken a break. It was my favorite part.

 _I realize this is, by far, the worst love letter ever written. So much that it could be my legacy. My attempts at charmingly relatable have turned into a bit of a handwritten therapy session for both of us, which isn't exactly what I intended when I started writing this catastrophe. So let me make what I was_ _trying_ _to say; I understand you. I understand you much better than your family, and certainly much better than all your kiss- and –ditch girls could ever have the capacity to. You shouldn't be afraid to let your walls down a bit. You certainly became less intimidating once I sort of figured you out, and I definitely liked you more once I realized you aren't perfect. Women tend to be drawn to slightly vulnerable men, just saying._

 _I hope this letter never reaches you._

Her letters were never signed. They always ended with a sort of after-thought or funny sentence. A personal favorite was "tell James Lily has stopped complaining about him in class, it seems like a good sign." At first her letters came only once a week, leaving me starving for more. I found myself growing antsy at lunch, when they usually arrived. Her words were like a drug to me, and I was thoroughly addicted. Eventually she wrote daily, and I always replied within a half hour. Every so often I would get a folded up piece of paper with only a short message. At breakfast once a cat delivered a note saying "pick your head up sleeping beauty, your hair is in your drink." She was right. I could imagine her laughing to herself while I looked around to try and figure her out.

I was desperate to know who she was. I hadn't wanted something so bad since the summer before first year when I decided I didn't want to be in Slytherin. In my replies I begged and pleaded with her to at least give me hints of who she was. When I asked directly she gave me nothing. But every once in a while she would let a small detail slip. She told me how her mother had sewn her initials into her socks and she didn't know why, that she had lost of freckles (most of them on her neck and under her chin), about her habit of shaking her leg, and she mentioned that she was on the shorter side. It seemed that I was drowning in mystery and these details were like my life vest.

Whenever I asked her why she couldn't tell me who she was she always said something vague. Like that it wouldn't be the same. According to her I only knew her on paper for a reason, that it wouldn't be the same in person "due to vain distractions". But I strongly disagreed, and reminded her how unfair it was that she knew my identity and I had no clue of hers. While she agreed with me, she refused to let up. Though at one point it seemed she would give in. She wrote that it was getting harder and harder to keep the secret and even said that she almost came up to me once as we passed in the hall.

But as soon as soon as my hope started to form it was crushed. She wrote "I'd rather miss out on things being the same in person than risk losing what we already have." Admittedly, I was heartbroken. Her rejections were often laced with the possibility that I could very well figure it out for myself, or that she could change her mind. Though her words seemed so final. She branded all my hope impossible, effective immediately.

After a bit of pouting face down on my bed and condoling from James and Peter, I decided to add Remus to the conversation. If I was going to get advice, I wanted it from as many people as possible. It occurred to me that he was downstairs working on an Ancient Runes project and that he and his partner might not want to be disturbed. Frankly, I didn't care. And my situation was much more important than bloody runes. And I needed his logical input as much as I needed Peter's optimism and James' impulsivity. Upon entering the common room it was right about the project. He sat at a table covered with books and parchment, closely examining them with a girl I vaguely recognized. She was in several of my classes and had even delivered one of the letters. I took the spot next to Remus, while James sat next to the girl and Peter next to him. Remus looked up, his eyebrows together and his face coated in annoyance.

"Um, do you need something?" he asked, snapping slightly. The girl, whose name I was sure was Nina Hunt, looked at us with clear surprise.

"Yes, actually, I do." I said with an over exaggerated smile. "I need your help with something very important."

Remus rolled his eyes, looking back down at the book in front of him. "I'm already helping someone."

James held up is index finger, chiming in perfectly. "It's a bit more important than Ancient Runes, mate." He glanced at Nina and added "No offense."

She shrugged, setting her quill on the table. "None taken. This isn't due until Friday. And you lot seem a bit desperate. No offense."

"For once, yeah." I said, setting the letter down in front of Remus. Normally I never let anyone see the actual note, but this was an emergency. "She rejected me. Plain as day said no."

"She didn't reject you." Peter said, just as he had before. "All she said was she didn't want to meet. And that's not exactly new, is it?"

James leaned back in his chair, "I say you follow whatever delivers the next letter back to her."

I shook my head, sighing loudly. "I already tried that. If a cat brings it, it just leads me in circles until I give up. And I can't keep up with an owl. I'm telling you, she's too smart for me."

Remus had already started reading the letter, which was thoroughly embarrassing and felt a bit revealing. "Whoever this girl is, she's a brilliant writer. Funny, too."

"Should I go?" Nina, who we all momentarily forgot was present, asked. "This seems like a private matter, and I don't want to overstep any boundaries."

I shook my head and snatched the letter from Remus' hands. "No, I could use a female opinion. Tell me what you think I should do." I placed the parchment in front of her, fully aware that a distant acquaintances reading it would be much more embarrassing than one of my best mates. But desperate times called for desperate measures.

She took it, reading carefully while the rest of us waited a bit anxiously. Her hair, which was dramatically curly despite its fairly short length, shielded her face. I tried to watch her expression as she read but I could barely see it. After a minute or two she set the paper down and slid it across the table to me.

"What exactly is it you're asking for advice on?" Nina asked, raising a brow high.

I gently folded the paper, tucking it back in my pocket where it could once again only be for me. "What should I do? I need to meet her. And she doesn't want me to.

"Why do you need to meet her so bad?" she blew a strand of hair out of her face, which fell back down shortly after.

"Because I think I'm in love with her."

"You don't even know her."

I shook my head, my hand still holding on to the letter. "I know her. She tells me things that I know she hasn't told other people. Just not her name. That's what I'm trying to change. How?"

Nina pursed her lips while she seemed to think carefully about what to say next. I could hear a soft _tck tck tck tck_ from under the table, like someone wearing boots shaking their leg. I couldn't even tell if it was me or not I was so caught up in the situation. "Well…" she said slowly, "I think you should stop asking to meet her, pretend you're no longer interested."

"But I'm especially interested now."

She held up her hands. "Maybe if I could finish I could explain myself." I hung my head slightly while Remus snorted, followed by quiet chuckles from James and Peter. She pretended not to notice, but failed as a small smirk appeared on her face. "As I was saying, you need to lay off a bit. Sort of like playing hard to get. If you stop chasing her, maybe she'll realize what she's missing out on. You never realize what you have until you lose it."

"That's brilliant." Peter said happily, "Much better than James' plan."

James didn't seem bothered by the statement. In fact, he starred at Nina with wide eyes. "Do you think that would work on Lily?"

She laughed quietly, shrugging. "Why not? Give it a try."

"Do you really think that could change her mind?" I asked desperately. My hands were clenched tight enough that my knuckles were paler than the rest of my hand. I quickly moved them under the table when Nina noticed and glanced up at me, looking suspicious. "I _need_ to know who she is. There's so many things I've been waiting to say for when I see her."

"Like what?"

My cheeks flushed instantly. There were a whole list of things I wanted to tell her, all of which I didn't even tell James. Things that were only meant for her to hear. So I decided to not so discreetly not answer. "How likely is it that this will work?"

She held my gaze for a few moments, chewing on her bottom lip. We all starred at her expectantly, which she clearly wasn't used to by the way she squirmed slightly. "My guess… fair to very likely."

For some reason I wholeheartedly believed her. Not in that I thought she was telling the truth, but I believed that it was likely. And she said it so surely. Things started moving in slow motion, yet my mind went into a bit of an over drive. I could meet her soon. I might finally look at her and know she was. Someone, probably James, slapped my back and brought me back to real time. Nina was already halfway to the stairs leading to the girls' dorms so I had to do a bit of a scramble to catch up with her. She must have heard me coming because she turned very suddenly with wide eyes.

"Sorry." I said a bit breathlessly, "I just wanted to thank you. I know you probably don't care that much, but it means a lot to me."

"Of course I care." She said rather quickly, taking us both by surprise. Clearing her throat, she adjusted her hold on her books. "I mean… you seem to really like this girl. You deserve to have the chance to tell her, to her face."

I grinned at her. "Well I might be able to, now." Nina allowed a small smile back. "So really, thank you."

She nodded. "You're welcome. Let me know how it goes." Nina turned and headed for the stairs a bit faster than a walk. Though I barely noticed because I'd already headed for my own dorm.

It took five minutes to write my letter back. Usually I wrote for much longer, trying to make each word as perfect as it could be. But I didn't want to waste a second proof reading. And there was only one thing I had to say, really. Mostly I just wrote that I was going to respect that she wanted to remain anonymous and that I would stop pressuring her. I tied the letter to James' owl, which he said I could use and jumped into the shower. Just as I was finishing someone banged on the door and shouted "You got a letter!"

I got dressed so frantically that I tripped over myself a few times. Bursting out of the bathroom I noticed James, Remus, and Peter all waiting for me to read my new deliver.

Sure enough a letter sat in the foot of my bed, my name written in her handwriting. I opened it as quickly as I could without ripping it. Her letter was almost as short as mine.

 _Sirius,_

 _I know you want to meet badly and I feel like a bit of a prat for shutting you down like that. Especially because I've been second guessing this whole not telling you thing lately. Plus I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't want to meet you officially. Because I really do. I'm just scared that you won't like me all that much in person, if at all. But I'm just going to have to suck it up._

 _My friends are making me go to the next Quidditch match, Merlin knows why, which just happens to be the one you're playing in. After the match I'll come ad congratulate you. If you lose it would be a lot easier to pick me out of the crowd. After all, not many people congratulate the losing team. But I'd rather see you win. I'll try and wear something a bit distinctive, like a pin or something (I know that's not very out there, but I'm not going to paint 'letter girl' on my forehead). So be on the lookout because I don't want to have to come out and say it._

 _Good luck tomorrow_

Needless to say the match went by in a bit of a blur. My body seemed to be set on autopilot while my mind wandered. Would I be able to figure out who she was? Would she get scared and not come up to me? Would I be able to keep myself together when I saw her? Each was a mystery. As usual, I refused to let myself picture her possible appearance on the off chance she wasn't like how I imagined. I never wanted to associate a face with her other than her real one.

We won the match, thank goodness. I knew it could have very well been her first match (she said she couldn't remember if she'd gone to one or not, so most likely not) so it needed to be as good as it could get. Once it was over I idled outside a bit, with alternating company. At first, only first years approached us. Then couples together. Then girls close to my age. Even a Slytherin, who didn't seem very whole hearted.

All of a sudden it hit me; she probably got people to come up to me on purpose so I wouldn't know who she was. Once I realized this I noticed most of the people approaching us were people who had delivered letters. For what felt like the thousandth time, I was very aware of how she was much too smart for me. After a little over a half hour I stared to give up. She most likely was too scared, or didn't even show up to the game. Just before I made to leave I caught sight of Marlene McKinnon pushing her way past people, followed by Nina who sent apologetic looks at the same students.

"Excuse me. Excuse me. _Move_ , please." Marlene huffed, cursing quietly as she finally reached me and the remaining part of the team plus Remus and Peter. "Some people, you know. I swear if I get shoved around at one more match I'll snatch one of the brooms and stick it right-"

"Marlene!" Nina hissed, smacking her arm. Though she tried to conceal a smile while her friend was looking, she broke into a grin when her back was turned.

Marlene shrugged, putting on a smile. "Well, great job guys, looks like we might have the cup this year."

"Yeah you guys did really well." Nina said, turning her attention back to us. "I mean, I don't know much about Quidditch at all. I've been to one game, maybe, but as far as I can tell you were brilliant. Congrats."

I had imagined it to go so differently. I thought my heart would immediately shoot up into my throat, maybe with a bit of a cough or choking sound that would make the situation less grand (I try to be realistic). Instead it crept up slowly, leaving a trail of excited nausea. Marlene was saying something to James but her words didn't quite reach my ear. Despite the early March weather Nina had on no scarf, leaving a scattered set of freckles on both her face and neck exposed. My eyes trailed down to her legs which, unlike everyone else in the school, were not covered in pants. She wore a skirt, short enough to show her knee-high socks with the letters N.B.H. sewn in white. I looked up at her face again.

"It's you." I blurted, cutting Remus' sentence short. I must have shouted a bit because everyone starred at me. Some of them had jumped slightly. Though I didn't completely notice.

Nina must have realized I meant her by the way her eyebrows came up and together while her head tilted to the side. "What's me?"

"The letters." I must have been smiling by the way my cheeks started to ache. Time seemed to be moving slower and faster at the same time in a way that made my head spin. "I wondered why you're advice worked so well. I didn't even have to wait a day to get her to change her mind. You knew you're plan would work so well because I would be using it on you!"

Her mildly confused expression remained for long enough that I thought maybe I'd guessed wrong. Just my luck, I supposed. Suddenly the crease in her forehead smoothed and her lips curved into a small smile. "It only took you four months." She said. Out of the corner of my eye I could see faces change from confusion to complete shock, especially James. He may or may not have hinted that he thought Nina had a thing for Remus after our chat with her. "What finally gave me away?"

"You hardly ever go to Quidditch. And you're freckles." I said, "You did spell it out very well."

She nodded. "Well done then." Nina put her hands in her pockets after pushing her hair away from her eyes. It quickly fell back into place with a gust of wind, but she didn't bother again. "You figured me out. Hopefully I've lived up to your expectations." It was clear she was trying to make a joke, but her voiced was laced with genuine concern.

I closed the small space between us by stepping forward and tightly wrapped my arms around her waist, putting my face in her mass of curly hair. Her arms quickly wrapped around my neck, locking me in place with her. She was shaking, but I probably was too. She had on the same perfume that sometimes clung to her letters. And her hands, which had written those same letters, were now on my neck. I'd waited so long to meet her that I thought it would never happen. But she felt right. Like a missing piece of a puzzle that fit perfectly. I knew I'd never want to let her go.

"Do you still like me?" she asked, barely above a whisper. Her voice was a bit shaky and was coated with worry.

I couldn't hold back a laugh. The fact that she was genuinely concerned about it was insane. "I love you, dummy." I said, borrowing the same name she used for me when I was being ridiculous. Needless to say she used it often.

Nina snorted loudly, then broke into a full out loud laugh. Her body started to shake with laughter instead of nerves. She tilted her head back and covered her mouth in attempt to muffle it. The sound of her laugh was definitely my new favorite one. It was especially great because it wasn't a typical girlish giggle. She cackled and snorted and even wheezed a little, and it was hilarious. I couldn't hold back my own laughter. By the time she started to settle down her face was bright pink. I stood up straight again so I could look at her. Her hands rested on my shoulders, her small fingers curling around the collar of my jacket.

"Oh yeah, says the guy who needed four months and very obvious hints to figure me out." She said, smiling as wide as I knew I was. "I love you too." Nina let out a long sigh, then shook her head. "Now that we met, can we _please_ go up to the castle? I think I might freeze to death."

We all agreed it was much too cold out and started to head back up to the school. As we struggled up the hill Marlene took off her scarf and handed it to her friend. "I told you that you would be too cold out. You never listen to me."

Nina grinned, wrapping the scarf around her neck. "If I listened to you then you'd never hear me say 'you were right and I was wrong' would you?"

She walked close to me, yet not close enough that we were touching. I spent the whole walk looking at her, taking in as many details of her as I could. I wanted to study her just in case I wouldn't be able to look at her again. Her one shallow dimple, only on the right side. Her lips, small with a natural upward curve. Her eyes, wide and the color of caramel. When she smiled every one of her features completely lit up. She looked over at me, reaching for my hand and lacing her features between mine. As we entered the castle the two of us slowed down so we were a few feet behind the rest of our group.

"What made you change your mind?" this was only one of countless questions I had for her.

Nina sighed quietly, tucking a curly hair behind her ear. "I was probably going to change my mind soon anyway. But talking to you last week really got to me, when you showed Remus the letter."

"But why?" I asked, moving closer to her. Her cheeks turned pink, which was simply adorable. "All I said was I wanted to see you. You already knew that."

She shook her head, her curls flying around her face. "It was much more than that. I knew you wouldn't be happy with me, but I didn't think I'd see your reaction and how upset you were." Nina looked at me, a deep crease in her brow. "I'm really sorry I wouldn't let you meet me."

I squeezed her hand lightly. "What were you scared of? This worked out great."

"Yeah, I know _now_." She rolled her eyes dramatically, then looked forward. "I just… wasn't crazy about the idea of you knowing what I looked like."

"Why?"

She sighed, keeping her eyes fixed ahead. "You know why. I'm not Marlene, or Lily. I'm _certainly_ not Elizabeth O'Hare."

I laughed before I could stop myself, but she didn't seem to find it as funny as I did. "Elizabeth O'Hare is kind of a slut."

"A _pretty_ slut." Nina said, pointing a finger at me. "There's a reason 90% of the male population above fifteen has shagged her. Because she's stunning."

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you." I put my hands on her shoulders and turned her to face me. She glanced nervously at our group, which was far away and approaching the portrait hole. It seemed she was prepared to meet me, not be alone with me. "Nina look at me." Her eyes lingered for a moment longer, then met my own. "If I cared that much about how you look do you think I would put up with waiting so long to meet you?"

She hesitated, glancing down at our feet. "Well…" for once I'd asked her something she couldn't answer. It wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped.

"I wouldn't have." I let go of her shoulders, instantly missing the feeling of touching her, "Listen I'm not very good at this whole… commitment thing-"

"How comforting."

I rolled my eyes, continuing. " _But_ , I've been talking to you for almost five months. I don't think I've ever talked to a girl for five months in person, let alone on paper. Obviously you're special."

Her cheeks turned pink, which she attempted to cover up by putting her hand over her face. But I could tell she was still smiling at least a little. "Yeah, well, I'm not exactly used to this either."

"What? Revealing your identity after your first Quidditch game?"

"No." Nina put her hands in her pockets and kept her eyes focused on the wall behind me. "I mean someone actually liking me back."

We were both silent after that. I watched her try not to look at me and be fairly successful doing so. It was bewildering to me, and I frankly didn't believe her fully. Why wouldn't someone like her? Why didn't she have a waiting list of suitors? Why didn't people see her the way I did? She was selflessly kind and wickedly witty. Not to mention beautiful, despite what she clearly thought. I was yet to find something about her I didn't like. One thing I was sure of was that she was too stubborn to listen to me, at least for a while. It was best to wait until she wasn't caught up in her own head.

I leaned close to her, kissing her forehead. At first she tensed up as I moved towards her. But before I pulled away she leaned into me ever so slightly. "Their loss is my gain, then."

"I liked you more than any of them, anyway."

I took her hand and headed for the portrait hole again, climbing into a party that was already busy enough that barely anyone noticed us come in together.


End file.
